"The Only Way To Fly"

I once met this girl out getting high over on Asquith st. & North ave., who would put as much Crack on her Pipe at one time as possible, well now as I think about it to be completely honest their was a prostitute that lived around my way, when I lived downtown, who would do the same thing I noticed first! She use to like me or at least she had her eyes on me, I could see the attraction as she would sexually look at me in and out of on my way to my house everyday! It was obvious too, she would spit her game right in front of my girlfriends who would come to visit me! To a person not from the street it probably sounded like some Crackhead that's high gibberish talking shit! As a man and someone who has a ear for the street! All the attention was saying, "I see your attraction and when ever your girl friend isn't around you can get it aka I will fuck you",even beyond all this prostitute shit, I will fuck you! I thought nothing of it at that time I wasn't operating inside that dynamic of life, so to my conscious mind it really wasn't anything! She was a small joke between my girlfriends and I as I passed by everyday on the way to my life! Little did I know like Santa, my subconscious mind was keeping a list of the game and the vice that was going on around me because soon after I took my first hit off the pipe! I already knew and had scoped out who was who and where all the best places to buy drugs were at in the Patterson Park Area!

 I don't know why but I always thought like this. I'd see things in a places operation methods. When I go into stores I see how it could operate more efficiently or how easy it would be to rob this place. My mind just works that way it always has! I don't consider myself criminal minded, I just see logistics, I think that whole criminal minded thing is just a stereotype for labeling a person who's God given talent hasn't been properly mentored and developed. An their gifts wound up being squandered on some worthless bullshit! So anyway after a little while of getting high on my own and getting lucky scoring by myself one day my luck ran out! I had been living on the straight and narrow for so long my street credibility had ran out! I wasn't known enough or street enough to buy drugs for myself anymore! My hood pass had be revoked, I had been away too long! Which to any sane healthy minded person trying to become a productive member of society should have been the last warning sign on the road to my own demise! The Bridge is out Ahead but that day and any day for along time afterwards, I just kept driving straight off of the end of the bridge! Still not ready to except failure and the universe's message of a closed door to me being able to buy drugs for myself, I went and found me a emissary a messenger of my destruction! Someone who's Crack Amex was excepted all around this hood! Who else but "Happy" the Crack head prostitute who has a crush on me!

 I pull up and I guess after a heavy volume day of tricking(prostitution) I was just another face to her! I thought she would notice who I was right away but as I pull up and started to try to get her in my car she wasn't making a connection and factor in a  all day Crack binge along side the whole day of prostituting, maybe she didn't recognize me! So I say, "Happy it's me!" the guy from the Park! It all lines up and she remembers,"Damn boy I didn't even recognize you!"  I think to myself no shit and would you get in my car before the police comes or someone from the neighborhood notices me! She has no shame, I guess I should have taken this into account from her behavior, since I first moved around there and her involvement with the neighborhood's open air prostitution ring. She's all loud and screaming "fuck these people I'm gonna sell my pussy and can't no one stop her!" I think to myself OK that's all good and all but for my sake would you just get the fuck in the car! Then it resonates with her, "Oh you still have a image in the community that you need to maintain!

" So she jumps in the car and says, "so you finally in the mood for some black pussy huh!" I'm blown away by how straight forward and brash she is about my personal life and we get all into me explaining my current preference in women! I try to explain that it was nothing personal against black women it just was the lane I was traveling and operating in at the time and though I could have went out of my way to meet black women I just didn't! Then I think to myself, who the fuck are you to judge my blackness as a black woman! You are the only black prostitute working a all white girl hoe stroll, so technically your doing the same thing I'm doing! She smiles and admits she never really thought of it that way! She says make a turn and park she knows a good place where we can park and be comfortable so she can take her time sucking my dick and make sure I enjoy myself! She explains that she is really good at doing what she does and she's been watching me and she'd always thought how much she'd enjoy herself if I ever took the time to see what she was all about! She says she would almost be in mind to do me for free! That's only in good sentiment because I know how it feels to desperately want that Crack so even in a moment of wishful thinking it's still all about the money! I quickly change the pace, I don't want to get my dick sucked or to fuck you! Her face turns to a look of confusion mixed with discontent, like well what the fuck is going on then? I tell her the whole deal, I want some Crack but no one will deal to me! She immediately get loud animated and judging again, I can't believe this!

 "Oh shit you get high, not you Mr. goody goody, go to work why are y'all hoes & junkies bringing down the neighborhood!" I'm immediately heated inside and a little frustrated! "Like God Damn I'm getting tired of your shit I just want to get high and can you help me for a profit or do you want to keep on treating me like your my fucking high school guidance counselor!" She tell me to be cool she can hook me up and she doesn't mean anything by it! It's just so surprising to her and that she never would have guessed that I got High Smoking Crack! Deep inside with the cloud of shame now stuffing up the atmosphere inside the car, I'm thinking to myself maybe I don't belong out here doing this shit. An if I wasn't so desperate, caught up in the trance of trying to do some Crack I would notice all the signs the Universe is sending me this evening,"You Don't Need To Be Out Here Trying To Smoke Crack!!!" She sees that she's about to blow the deal. I tell her that I want five twenties and that I give her twenty dollars for her trouble if she can get get the crack for me. She says shit that ain't even no problem with a sassy street type of tone and attitude! She's proud of her street prowess and she knows that her Hood Cred is good! She says it with confidence too, just so to let know me in case I didn't, who I'm in the company of!!!

 So we pull up on the block of Montford Ave. between Orleans st. and Jefferson st.! It doesn't even appear to be anything going on! Though as soon as we pull up and Happy roles down her window making her presence known, the whole strip comes to life! It went from dead to buzzing, these guys are good almost thespians you'd have no idea until it starts moving that they are hustling! One guy looks in the car and checks me out, he doesn't know me a is hesitant to serve us. Happy goes into this loud animated Crack Head routine a lot of hand gestures something straight off of a bad YouTube or World Star Hip Hop Montage of people behaving ghetto!!! These guys don't like all of this wild attention and don't want to turn down 100 dollars either so they give her the five twenties and we get the fuck from around there! I'm just almost as upset and angry as the dealers were like happy WTF is your problem? I want to get high as much as the next person but is it Worth us all going to jail over this? She goes on another rant about she's not afraid of jail and niggas like me a the dealers don't need to be in the game cause we ain't no real niggas! Again the Universe is speaking to me but I'm not listening, I want to inhale and ingest those sweet Crack Cocaine vapors, feeling my heart beat and endorphins course through my vein, instantaneously, becoming sexually excited, awakening all my senses all at once! So we drive over to Fairmount ave. and Washington st. parking between some cars in the diagonal head first parking spaces right by that little recreation center park!

 It's quiet and comfortable there! It's a one way street with a good view of everything around you! It's one of my favorite places to smoke Crack inside or outside! I always feel at peace and have a good time when I smoke there! I'm romanticizing drug use but it's a shame I don't live down there anymore! As I give Happy twenty dollars and twenty of Crack for herself, I start to slowly sprinkle a little of my twenty on the Crack pipe! Happy says loud in her arrogant Crack Rant fashion,"You can tell y'all newbie Crack smokers portioning on bag on the pipe, just put the whole thing on there! I only occasionally ran into others who smoke like this and I've come to like to smoke like this myself! When I do though, I even get crazy looks from some of the most seasoned Crack addicts like as to say"What in the fuck is wrong with this guy?" he really has a problem or I don't see how he does that shit like that! It seems as if it would blow your head off! Frita calls it "slamming" a term usually associated with pushing all of the heroin at once into your arm out of the syringe all at once! It doesn't quite encompass what I'm doing descriptively to me but it's close enough I suppose. An to all you Crack Smoking junkies who have seen this behavior before but have been scared to step off of this edge in that fashion, you should try it! If  your in active addiction and like your Crack! It's truly The Only Way To Fly!!!!                           

"The Storm Inside"

I had got off of work in Owings Mills I'd been clean long enough to get this job and get my mind and spirit in sink, So I thought anyway! Over the last three days a urge or a itch has began to grow, I'm not ready for the pressure, my expectations aren't working out and I'm becoming disappointed. They say expectations lead to disappointment and disappointment to relapse and here we go!  I had been waiting for this job, I had been unemployed from Nov. 2011 until Jan. 2012! Yes, I fucked up my last job right before Christmas, for myself, little bit of friends and family! I actually had a legitimate beef compounded with my drug abuse this time that led to me quitting my downtown job so close to Christmas! I could have and I should have stuck it out but in the moment I was put between a rock and a hard place. So I receive a e-mail in January to begin a new job in Owings Mills! It was all described and represented as good and one of the best companies in these days and times to be with in this world of food service! It probably is, when you factor in the extensive benefits package this restaurant conglomerate offers, but the work vs reward & energy you had to expend wasn't worth it to me at least! People say, "You just can't be quitting jobs back to back with no jobs lined up!" I say, "fuck U and mind your own business!" "Maybe if one of y'all Mutha Fuckas ever helped me to get a decent job instead of always kicking me while I'm down maybe I'd feel a personal obligation to hold on to a job longer!" I'm trying to figure out this recovery process and I thought I was ready for a job, having the emotional endurance to make it this time but apparently I didn't and it does hurt. So believe me some asshole who's suppose to be family restating the obvious does not help! It just compounds the pain, disappoint and self pity your already slow roasting your feeling and self esteem to!

So I got off of work and in the back of my mind I guess I was done with the place I was working at! The money wasn't right and the management was in denial about how things were working out. They were in position where they could afford to be, they had so many new hires we were all expendable and they were still hiring! They must could smell that we smelled, it was all bullshit! So this particular night I got slammed just triple sat and four sat all night long, as then soon as the dinner rush died, I was cut(sent home) immediately! Gotta keep that pay roll down, after the tip out I walked with sixty dollars! I was burning inside with a long subway ride downtown to stew on it!
 I take the subway downtown and this is where it always gets complicated. The familiar surrounding of downtown where you made many bad decisions so many different nights before! Your their again and it's like a crossroads,will this be another stint of abuse or another step closer in a direction of turning your life around! You think of how the $60 could be the beginning of your own personal rags to riches story or just three nice twenties on the Crack Pipe!

 Darkness casts a large shadow of doubt and surrender inside of you but theirs a little crack of light beginning to illuminate optimistic potential for you to resist temptation one night longer! So the anxiety and pressure to use Crack that was wrap around you like a Boa Constrictor loosens its grip for a moment! A little more time goes buy as you wait for your bus to come to go home! Working people, Junkies and Homeless surround you as you wait out front the Baltimore Arena! Take it one moment at a time, you may make it on this bus and get one more day of sobriety under your belt! Though not only are you not in the moment, but your on a corner inside your own head & mind watching your own personal IMAX theatre of your recent past, present and future failures with drug abuse! The nights before smoking Crack and your high tab of all the money you've blown night after night it has all compounded so fast! The movie being shown is a alternate present of where you could be if you could have just maintained the strength to hold yourself together so many times before! An everything you had or opportunity you've thrown away over the last months from making bad choices in moments just like this. Not knowing another opportunity that would bring it all together for you, was right around the corner!

Now I'm in front of the Baltimore Arena with $60 dollars and I can't live with myself! God even tries to reach out to me, in the form of a person I don't even know who strikes up a friendly conversation out of nowhere! I indulge in it for a little while, the small talk takes me away for a little while! We talk about how Wild Baltimore has become and how fun, nice and polite the people of Baltimore use to be! We use to be known as "Charm City", now violent children and adults are murdering and attacking its residents and visitors, they affectionately have retitled Baltimore as "Harm City"! It's beginning to stick too! We are so far from charming these days, Monique a Academy Award Winning Actress as well as a Baltimore City Native should bring her show "VH1's Charm School" back to her home town! As I began to feel a little better and begin to develop a positive outlook on the rest of my night and probable future! Just then my bus turns the corner left onto Baltimore St. and I cut my conversation with my angel short! "Nice talking to you I'm going to get on this bus!" Sad to say, this bus that turned the corner first gets me back to my neighborhood but passes a familiar Crack strip on the way. So I say my take cares and nice talking with you's, I'm getting on it! Like I said it gets me close to my house about a 5 block walk from where it lets me off! I could wait a little longer for the Bus that lets me off in front of my street, but I don't want to wait for my bus anymore! It's taking to long, I'm feeling good, I know I can have the will power to not get off of the bus at the Crack Strip! I'll be able  hold on to this $60 tonight and maybe even treat myself to some carryout when I make it home......      

"One More Try"

Since I've began this blog twenty six days ago, I've been clean from all drugs and alcohol 33 days total! I know that doesn't sound like much but to some addicts that would be a hell of a Milestone! I remember watching shows like Maury Povich and seeing Meth Addicts tell these dramatic stories of recovery from Crystal Meth Amphetamines and in the same breath admit they have thirty days or less clean time! I would think to myself get the fuck out of here! As I would laugh and make light of their small to me, but very large accomplishment to them!

 I felt as though the studio audience was give the person to much credit to soon! Sometimes I felt like the sympathy involved perception bias, Maury's using young White Female addicts for these television recovery episodes vs a Black female addict, as this(white addict) would probably get a better sympathetic or empathetic response! I guess or my opinion was most American have a soft spot for the image of the young white female addict, but if you did the same show with young black females addicts would they receive the same empathy and understanding! I see it as the shows producers opinion that the black female or any male addict wouldn't garner the same sympathy from the studio or television audience. Even when both subject groups tell they're story of how they began to use drugs, the White female addict comes before the studio audience and can tell a tale of how they just didn't know any better and became hooked on their drug of choice! The studio audience immediately gives up their sympathy with gasps of breath, cries of sorrow, disbelief of how sad this all is and the sympathy of  what this poor child must have gone through!

 Then on the other hand with the black female addict the story has to be five times worse to receive the same sort of sympathy or billing for the audience to put themselves in this persons shoes! The black female addicts story has to horrible just to get some necessary and needed attention! It usually starts like, My Momma and Farther was on crack, my brother went to jail, my sister and I were in separate foster homes inside the same Project housing, then I was molested by my foster parents and became pregnant and then that's when I began to use Crack Cocaine! It appears to me it's a bias in perception between how people view white & black drug use! I think this is due to stereotypes people assume that the black addict should naturally know better! No matter how bad it gets you should culturally know better than to use drugs! As if some of our children and people aren't just as naive or prone to be taking advantage of by a more seasoned drug addicts as their white addict counter parts.

Now I'm not attacking whites in this post! I don't blame you, my people exercise the same bias from the same stereotypes! We fight like hell to keep our children out of the street and away from the drugs and crime of our community! A lot of our children are sheltered from the bad in their own neighborhoods and when come face to face with drug use and drug dealing experiences are naive and susceptible to get caught up in these life styles.

 Everyone hears the story of the good kid, how did they ever become involved in drugs? Its a attraction factor, always seeing the other side and alternative life style and being shielded and ushered away from these drug influences but not being educated as to why you need to stay away from this lifestyle and the pitfalls associated with it! So when our people become involved in drug they feel ashamed to come forward letting people know that they have a problem. Or when they finally do come out with the full extent of their involvement with drug use, they've been involved so long now it is a full blown addiction and a arduous and lengthier recovery process! Having lived in denial from the public as well as the scrutiny, indifference and public ridicule of their own black community! That by the time they come for some help it's a much longer and twisted road to recovery many times leading to a painful road of recovery and relapse that can sometimes be more painful than their actual addiction!

Just look at these cases in point, Whitney Houston, Martin Lawrence, Vesta Williams & Maia Campbell! All of these black stars were obviously addicted to crack cocaine but would not admit it, do to the taboo associated with crack use in the black community as well as the television and film representation of black people as being from the streets, or at least one to two degrees of separation from the streets! Making our people are scared to come forward for help, and now not only are we finding our neighbors on the streets, but in some cases or biggest and greatest stars on the street as well!

 Black people it's time to stop turning our backs and blind eyes to our people! Removing the astigmatism from Crack Cocaine use as well as Aids and give our lost and disbanded family members a visual and supportive path home back into our communities and Recovery! Not just the shame, looks of judgement and disapproval of a lifestyle they are actively making steps away from! That without our support may make it easier for then to turn back to Crack Cocaine Relapse versus Recovery! But Y'all don't hear me though!!!!!              

"Crisis"

As I was beginning to write this post I was hearing a banging and ruckus going on outside of my apartment! The loud pounding sounds as if it's coming from the apartment above me! Three times over and over again with a constant banging, knocking & pounding! There is a single mother who lives above me with three small children, it gets noisy all the time! As the saying goes enough to drive a man to drink! In my case, to use my drugs of choice. No one especially the single parent mom or the rental office doesn't want to admit it but she's in over her head! I respect her for holding it down, strong black woman and all, but it isn't fair to to the rest of us neighbors who live beneath her on the second floor! The apartment where I live doesn't have concrete  walls or ceilings, so I can hear everything that goes on above my apartment and she lets them play inside the house with no real bed time! It starts early too, like 7am & ends late like 2am! Now it's 9:30 in the morning and it sounds like the ghetto is starting early! Actually it is, but only if I really had a clue as to what was about to take place!

 As I was trying to focus in on this post I get a knock at my bedroom door, my family member tells me the apartment across the hall is being raided by the police!!! I ask, "Are they sure?" They say, Yes, they opened the door and the police told them go back inside, they were there for the apartment across the hall!  I immediately got angry(a stewing, steaming, frustration inside) because I think to myself, if you see the apartment across the hall is being raided, then why in the fuck would you open our door!!! It could have been a mistaken door by the police for all we know! The neighbors apartment could have been the wrong door and the raid was actually intended for us! You hear stories all the time of how the police miscount doors and windows and raid the wrong house or apartment! I'm not using drugs in my place, but who wants to be put face down on the floor at 9am over a tip or nothing at all, Not me!!!

This kind of brings back unresolved feelings from the past concerning me and my family member. This same person aided the police in making a arrest on me evolving the same kind of scenario as this morning! It didn't amount into anything but at the time the police didn't have any justified reason to arrest me! Just word of mouth from someone who I partied with who didn't want to take a criminal charge by themselves! They needed some company at trial, some people can't stand alone in a court of law! So I guess the police felt if they would shake hard enough I'd roll over on myself! I stayed quiet though, and after a 24hr detainment and questioning I was released on my own recognizance! I still had to get together money for representation and live with the stress that I could possibly be convicted at trial because of my prior record, but over all I was pissed off! The person I was living with let the Police in the house of their own permission! Even as I write this I'm slightly aggravated still! Now this morning their is a full fledged raid going on across the hall and this person tells me they opened the door to see whats going on! They said they thought that the banging was at our door! All the same, even if it was the case, why would you get up out of your bed and open the door, for anything out of the ordinary? That's what the peep holes are for, to look outside before opening your door! I guess what I'm truly afraid of is how this person makes me feel. They upset me and I can't handle it at certain times! Though I'm not actively using drugs, maybe a inpatient center would be better for my on going recovery? There have been small warning signs like this in the past that I didn't heed! That lead to detriment in my recovery process.

It's been  awhile since I've used drugs in my home but you never know! I clean, I vacuum but this morning was just frustrating I don't even want to talk about it with this person! If I was in a weakened state of will or mind, something like this could pushed me over the edge! Unresolved emotions and family issues! Then dealing with a family member who wants to support you but also doesn't want to hear what you really think about them when recovery gets real! I have to hear what everyone thinks of me whether I choose to or not! I'm constantly hearing about the so called progress everyone(family&friends) are making as in contrast to myself! Either my family is naive or really can't imagine how this could affect someone like me but when it all falls down! They're all like what went wrong? You were doing so well. It's not being said but its implied and inferred your not making any progress! We can't help you so we'll judge you. I ignore it and stay my course.

 Go to school, go to work, do this little blog that's becoming slightly popular these days, but instead of at least a "good for you", "that a boy" or "way to turn around a negative into a positive", it's only every possible critique and probable wrong that could come from me blogging about my experiences while I was addicted to Crack Cocaine!

 I guess my Drug Rehabilitation Counselor Ms. Lavinia was right, I have to celebrate and validate my own milestones in the recovery process, because you may want help or support but some people,even family can't give you, what they don't have in their human resources to give you! Listening to people patronize you about not getting into trouble with drugs at cliche moments in time, but never are they tuned in or on alert to my crisis moments of being in jeopardy when I am truly on the edge of relapse! This sucks and I feel so alone sometimes! They say in Recovery to take it one day at a time and if that's to much, then to take it one moment at a time! It seems today is going to be one of those days or moments! Pray for me, I'm going to try to get some homework done in the mean time......

"Lucky Unlucky me"

I was hanging out with my homeboy Kay before I began using hard drugs! Kay was my man with everything & anything else! Ecstasy, Marijuana, Percocet, Zanni's, Oxy's,  what ever you wanted Kay could get it! Kay had been trying to get in touch with me since he got out of rehab in Missouri but I wasn't trying to play ball! I wouldn't take or return his calls! I had my own life going on and for some reason I just didn't want to get involved with Kay! This attitude I had towards Kay was kind of peculiar because, if you asked anyone Kay was my man, I loved this dude, he was my best friend in a long time! For some reason I just didn't want anything to do with this dude at this time! As I'm contemplating all of this I pull up on Highland ave. & Baltimore st.!

 The strip was really buzzing that Night out front the liqueur store on the corner! A lot of cars were pulling up and girls were jumping out with money in hand, walking super fast up to the dealers getting served and racing back to their cars taking off! It's was like a Crack express lane! I guess the liqueur store traffic masks the drugs traffic! I don't know where the Police are tonight, it would occur to me just to post up right here in front of the liqueur store but I guess then the dealers would find somewhere else to post up and sell their Crack! Who knows, just like everywhere else in Baltimore the Police are getting tired. Maybe it's an investigation going on, let them rock(sell) their Crack wide open(like it's legal), then come in and snatch every dealer and user with a solid case! That's the only thing I can Imagine because if this is not the case the Police are giving the dealers in this area free reign to sell drugs! This is only rumor but I've heard from a lot of the girl around their who Trick(prostitute),say that they know most of the police and provide sexual favors for some of the officers and in gratitude afterwards, a lot of the officers get talkative giving out information on police drug operations and stings! Which is then passed on to the dealers, from the working girls and the drug trade goes on!!!

I'm out on the strip now looking for someone I know who'll serve me, I don't see anyone and no one wants to take a chance on serving me! I'm in the car, out of the car, cruising around the block Baltimore st. to Conkling st. to Lombard st. and back around Highland ave.!!! I'm becoming frustrated! I have a pocket full of money but I'm being treated like a drug social leper! It's making me angry because I'm not hot or the Police but everyone is treating me that way and I know they got the drugs, I've just watched them serve like ten fiends right in front of me! So I get out the car one more time and as I'm getting out the car I see my girl Kelly, she's on her way to cop! She focus solely on her task walking right by me! I flag her down, telling her what's up, that I can't get anyone to serve me! She's laughing at me!!! "It's cause you a rookie, Y'all new Crack Smokers" "Don't worry though I got you baby, What you want? dimes or twenties and how many? I give here a hundred.  She says they'll throw in four extra and could she have them? I'm like cool and I go and wait in my car until she returns. I watched her from the car she's cute but we've always kept it strictly business!

 Theirs a guy waiting for her in a F150 and he's looking at me like who and the fuck I am! So Kelly comes out of the alley going left and the dealer is shortly behind her breaking right! The dealer looks suspicious fixing and arranging his pockets as he comes out of the alley! She goes past the guy she's with in the truck telling him to WAIT, real loud and animated!!! I'm hoping this doesn't break out into something too heated that could get us all arrested!!! She jumps in my car and says OK  nine for you and one for my trouble!!! I don't even get into the extra she talked about. One outta ten is the least I could do for her making the buy for me! She's making small talk now! So what you been up to and do I still live up on Montford? I tell her no. She smiles saying, "you and the girlfriend fell out?" She says, "well if you need some where to chill and smoke your Crack, call me!" I'm going to take care of this guy I'm with, then I'm going up my house! Make sure you call me we'll have a good time, seriously call me in like a half, OK! I smile and say, yes I will, she hugs me and I'm on my way! She's cute as shit as she runs and climbs up in that big truck smiling back at me!!! It's funny I've  seen her a million times out on these streets but she never let me know she had her eyes on me! Sometimes I've even thought she was a bitch, always with a funky attitude! I guess since I've moved she's missed me or missed seeing me around the Crack Houses!

A half hour later I've jumped on I-895 to I-97, I'm out Millerville on Quarterfield rd. My man Kay is out their staying with his sister. She's tired of him and in need a break! He brought her over here from Bahrain, it started out good but he's gone of the deep in and her loyalty to family is wearing then in the face of his heroin abuse! She doesn't know I'm gone too, If she did I'm not sure she would have turned her brother over so easy but I use to be someone you would have trusted your kids or your own personal safety with, let alone your brother! So I tell her we're cool and she gets a couple of hours peace to herself. She gives me a hug and me and Kay are out the door!

On my way out, I call Kelly telling her I'm on my way and she tells me she's got some girl friends up on Faimont & Patterson!!! She asks me to grab something to drink, Newport's a couple of stems and some fresh chore boy!!! I tell her  my man is with me and could she get some Dope(heroin) for him? She says cool just hurry up cause they really could use that drink & them cigarettes, sounding really up for a good time, I hear the girls having a good time in the background too!!! I'm exited and imagining the possibilities of what the night has in store! We get to the door and I knock, Kelly lets us in, hugging us both, welcoming us in! We walk to the back of the hall, their room is three door down the hallway! They have a one room apartment in the back! As we come in I see we have hit the jack pot I see all girls in their mid to late twenties! All small girls sexy and tight! Two brunettes and a red head, good times! Everybody has there own drugs too and are getting down to business! That's the best thing fucking with chicks down here all the tricks like white girls so they always have their own money!!! You can actually chill out and have a good time! I ask for Kay, who has some Dope? All them bitches got dope(heroin)! They speed balling sniffing dope and smoking coke!!! The girls are on Kay's dick! All over him, they say he looks like Collin Ferrel and they're showing him a lot of attention! So we good, Kelly is happy to see me and the other girls are basically  fighting over Kay!!!

 So Kay pulls out his tools and the girls are surprised he shoots up! They cool though and they are treating him like a King! One girl cooks the dope up for him, another ties him up and then the other girl shoots him up! He's getting a full service treatment! I watch the blood and heroin mix in the syringe as they pump it into his veins! They take out the needle and loosen the belt! It hits him, he begin to sweat a little and looks smacked it's good! The girls are all amused with his satisfaction! They are all laughing and high fiveing satisfied by how good the dope is and the effect its having over Kay! While Kay is being broken over by the waves of the heroin the girls are high and tipsy from the Red berry and Pear Ciroc Vodka I brought along. Now they are all trying to take advantage of Kay!!! My man is right in the mix of where most men would fight to be!!! I think he's kind of not with it, but three cute girls, the heroins good, he doesn't stand a chance! Now they have got his pants and underwear around his ankles and all three of them and sharing his dick and balls like a dessert from "Rita's" as they all take turns sneaking lustful peaks at me and Kelly on the bed together!!! I am about the walk over a join in but Kelly pulls me back onto the bed with her and sticks her hand into my pants, playing with my dick! My balls and groin clinches up like I'm about to premature ejaculate  and a hot waves rush over my face!!! Kelly starts to laugh and calls for the attention of the other girls they like, "look y'all he's blushing!" They all find this to be the funniest shit ever a black man light enough to blush!!! Nah nah, Kay, your no longer the cutest shit in the room!!!

 I guess the girls like their men in variety because now the girls are alternating between Me, Kay & Kelly!!! While Kelly is sucking my dick one of the other girls sits besides me and begins to massage my stomach and balls while Kelly is sucking my dick faster and faster as I tense up and cum over them both!!! Oh my God it feels so good, My dick is exploding pumping like a oil rig that just struck black gold! An they are both fighting for it!!! Licking, kissing and fighting all over it, back and forth up and down!!! I look over now and both of the girls with Kay are completely naked and there taking turns riding, fucking the shit out of him like hes quarter operated department store hobby horse! The dope has got his dick hard(They call this a doped dick) and these girls are taking full advantage of it like he's automated dildo! They're loving it as I'm watching them climb on and off of his dicks taking turns like a round robin game! Kelly ask me do I want to get in? I'm like, "yeah" but I just came! One girl yells out, "Sniff some dope!" I'm like I don't really like dope and I don't shoot up! She puts some heroin on a match book and I sniff it all back! I get immediately nauseous! They see it too," Girl hurry up, Girl hurry up, get the bucket he's gonna throw up!!!) I throw up too and I'm instantly high as shit! They're laughing now fiveing to each other! "Look at him girl, he's high as shit,this shit is the bomb, I told y'all, they care both fucked up!!!" They cleaned me up with Wet Wipes and Scope! Now we're all on the bed me Kay and the Four girl! Dicks hard as shit and in another world from the effects of the heroin! Everything is hazy like  a movie flash back scene!!! Its just a haze of flashes of  asses, pussies, titties, gasps screams and smiles as we fuck them all hard and vigorously!!! Making them all cum over and over and over!!! Until we put all of these Ho's to sleep. Soon after I pass out and go to sleep...

 Kay wakes me up shortly after I dose off.  It's day light he's whispering, "what the fuck are you whispering for?" I wake up all the girls! Everyone a little pissed I guess they wanted to sleep in! Kay says the police are out side! We all think he's paranoid! We look outside, Oh shit its our worse Nightmare, the whole police force are fucking out there! I'm getting dressed but my heart is slowly sinking! I'm thinking it's over for me! I'm probably going to spend the next seventeen years of my life in prison! They say life is full of bitter and sweets! Last night was a full of sweets so I'm dreading the possibilities of how bitter it's about to get for us! All the best memories of last night are flashing through my head, we had a amazing time last night four sweet asses and pussies in the air glistening with perspiration, game for some good dick and gave it up to us fully and uninhibited! Now is all about to end so badly!

 The Police hit each door one by one as the girls scurry to clean everything we had remaining from last night! The Police hit the door and we open up! One girl says, "Girl why you open the door?" I think to myself,"Yeah girl why you open the door?" They ask for all of our ID's they check them all none of us have warrants as the checks come back! One the cops finds a mirror with some crack and heroin remaining on it. They call in the Operations Commander! We all wait impatiently for the fate we know that soon to befall us all. The Commander comes in with a look of a disapproving Grandfather. He begins to lectures us all Individually and together! Our ID's say, none of us actually lived around there in that neighborhood! He sweeps the mirror off onto the floor and tell us their only there for warrants, and to get our things and get out! It's our lucky day!!! As we walk away down the narrow hallway free the other fugitives who haven't been so lucky are calling us all snitches and to never come around there again! One girl starts fussing with them about she ain't no snitch! Kelly puts her arms around her like,"Fuck them girl lets get the fuck away from here while we still can!!! We all leave in separate directions, Kelly looks back and mouths "Call me"! I muster what smile I can and nod my head yes. I don't want to appear too happy until I'm completely in the clear.

 Now I'm in the car taking Kay home I think to myself, God is sending me a message,"Everyday from now I'm living at the mercy of his time"!!! With a straight face, Kay asks me, do I want to go somewhere else to get some more drugs! He says it's a morning shop that's just opening over at the West Side Shopping Center!!! I just shake my head holding back my furry & frustration!!! I can barely muster it out but I say "Yo I'm taking you home!!!" He's still like alright yo, I just was saying, you can just drop me off I'll make my own way home!!! I'm still like, "YO, I'm taking you home".....                                

"Baltimore's Blind Side"

Over on Kennedy ave. and 22nd. st. also over on 22nd & Robb st. right behind North ave., right across from the "Marches Funeral Home"use to be  a big stomping ground for me at one time! I spent a lot of time around there buying, using drugs, trying not to get burned by junkies, shot by dealers who thought I was undercover and not getting locked up by actual under covers Police! If you get a chance you should contact your local Police department about going for a civilian ride along sometime and see it for yourself! It's a lot of vacant homes abandoned blocks! Road blocked streets to deter drug traffic and the smell busted septic pipes! Some days you can smell the shit literally for blocks!  This is another community that my City has turn it's back on! Baltimore is ruff but I'm sure you've probably already heard that with the popularity of shows and series like "The Wire" & "The Corner"! An now its me doing The Relapse Diary!

 The issue that I have is the masking job that Baltimore City is doing! They have its poor and undesirables bottled up in these horrible neighborhoods away from the public's eye sight! In Baltimore we have strategically set up all of our tourist travel systems that allows our visitors to circumvent all of the so called sketchy neighborhoods! These ignored neighborhoods are were a lot of the native inhabitants are living and where a lot of resentment and indifference toward tourist and outsiders comes from! Image if someone hid your need for help & assistance behind the skyline of downtown and the Inner harbor! Outlined by I- 83 expressway, the Baltimore light Rail system and ridden underneath of by the Baltimore Subway system! I hear people say all the time, "don't go beyond Penn Station, don't get off at the Mondalmin or the Penn North stops, it's bad there or whats that big building by I-83 that looks like a Castle(Baltimore Penitentiary)???" Some of these communities remind me of the movie "Death Wish 3" where this gang had a whole neighborhood held captive and no one was willing to do anything about it, except for a loan vigilantly played by Charles Bronson !

This current Baltimore issue that has gone viral on popular websites like Youtube & WorldStarHipHop showing the video of the Tourist being beaten in Downtown Baltimore and stripped of his clothes! It's garnered a lot of attention Nation wide towards Baltimore's crime, adding to this current popularity of videoed flash mobbed group fights and attacks of senseless violence! Some people have their opinions on what factors attributes to this behavior. I thought to myself, Thank God we haven't had our own Trayvon Martin incident here yet, because Baltimore is Primed for it! The Baltimore City officials need to take a initiative and begin to reach out, setting up dialogue with these alienated groups, invest back in its actual communities, not just window dress the cities tourist attractions and more frequented areas! People of different social groups and backgrounds need to know who each other are! Having a understanding of what brings them to Baltimore and what connection they all have with our city! Stereotypes, Indifference, racial profiling and treats of stiffer Criminal penalties for these incidents are not working!

 Some of the people from these abandoned, deteriorating and eroding neighborhoods of Baltimore city are attracted by the lights and entertainment of Dowtown, Towson and Huntvalley, and will come out of their communities to the downtown ares to see what it's all about! Baltimore City and it's developers have turn there back on them! There is no entertainment or recreation in these neighborhoods! These Neighborhoods have become strong holds for drug dealers, drug users, murderers and slum lords! It's wrong and unfortunate that a lot of the innocent become victims of collateral damage of this unaddressed social problem! The destitute will wonder in search of new hunting grounds when they've exhausted the resources of their own territories! They see the big cars, designer bags, expensive jewelry,World Advertised, Popular, famous branded Stores, Businesses, Restaurants & Merchandise, with a lot of our cities visitors being in excess of material wealth as well as being intoxicated and incoherent as they walk the streets! I've festive events in different cities & towns, Key West & Mardi Gras, passed out in different places and have waken up in my hotel room! I'm sorry but Baltimore isn't the place for that kind of reckless good time!!! Certain places you just can't wonder too far and Baltimore is one of them!

We need to stop ignoring the native Baltimore neighborhoods needs and reinvest in our actual communities! Attract industry to our city to create jobs for non professionals! Set up a prison outreach program to help ex-convicts & ex=offenders find DECENT EMPLOYMENT! The only place I see help for People in bad situations is on Reality shows these days and this shouldn't be the reality many Baltimore Native have to face! The only home grown career and Industry Should not be Corrections(look it up "smallest States with the most Prisons" Sometime)! I mean if Corrections is your thing that's cool, but I just don't want to babysit the problem, I want to address and fix the problem!!!! 

"The BodyGuard" Prison Riot!!!"

I remember when I was 18 I was locked up at the Patuxent Correctional Institution, this was like 1995. I had previously been housed at the Hagerstown Correctional Institution! An a Horrible rumor surfaced about a recently deceased and World Famous Recording Superstar that almost erupted a prison into violence and ruined Movie Night!!!  Hagerstown(the new jail) was opened in the nineteen seventies to let you Know just how new this prison was! I have heard about other prisons in Maryland too being worse, for y'all know it all's, well I've been to them too but in 1994 thru 1995 this place was a fucking gladiators academy! It was full of a bunch of wild fucking animals population and staff! In the short time I was there, I saw so many people stabbed and beating with blunt objects it wasn't funny! When I first got there I was told to stay to myself, not to join any gangs and get out as soon as possible! After I saw a 15 year old stabbed to death over something so not worth the price of his life my priorities quickly changed! I became more concerned with just coming home alive and unscarred versus coming home as soon as possible!

 I remember once I took a chance on missing my cell door at lock in time for a bowl of cookies! I was hungry and a young man, things like cookies still had a lot of value in my hierarchy of needs!  It was like eleven pm. dinner had been about five hour ago! My friend Mike told me to come to his cell and he'd give me some lemon creme cookies! He slept like 25 doors across the tier from me! As I'm waiting by the door he tells me that the correctional officers were about to shut the door and to go and wait by my door and he would throw the cookie to me! As I'm making the twenty five door run the electronic doors began to close! Everyone was yelling, "Hurry up shorty before you get locked out, They will throw you in the whole!" So I'm racing toward my cell door not to be locked out because I didn't want to be subjected to disciplinary action and solitary confinement for missing a door at lock in time! I hear  Mike's voice,"little P, heads up!" High in the air like a rocket from Manning to Harrison, I see the bowl of cookie flying in the air toward me! I'm reading the cookies like a wide receiver as Watch the daylight of the electronic door eclipsing like the sunset! Right as I make the catch over my shoulder in just enough time to have enough room to slide through the door and roll on the floor in my cell! The whole tier  goes crazy, like I made the Super Bowl Winning Catch! The jail was in short supply of entertainment I guess! They loved that shit and the jail erupted in a cheer!!! I was 18 yrs old, impressed with myself and smiling from excitement with a bowl of lemon cookies to soothe my nightly sweet tooth!

 As I sit on my bunk talking to my cellmate! Our door pops open, it's the prison officers, they walk in!!! My cellmate jumps down from the top bunk and I stand in alert! The officer tell us to be at ease, they just want to talk! They tell me they know I'm new and that their are a lot of other White Older Officer who work there, who would give me a beating for a stunt like that and to let this serve me as a warning from some of the officer who work their that were a little more sensitive to race! A week later I was approached by a Black Female prison psychologist! She expressed to me that she new about the violence and Racism of the Hagerstown Institution. She asked me would I like a chance to get of jail early by participate in a youth offender behavioral experiment! Two weeks later I'm shackled from head to toe, on the back of a bus, life as a shorty shouldn't be so ruff!!!

So I'm at the patuxent facility and the jail is trying to find space for it new teen offender section! So they have us temporarily housed with the parole violators! The system had become so over crowded and the streets were so hot the Classification Center of Maryland known as D.O.C. couldn't keep up with the inmate intake and classification process! I was cool though, because it was definitely a lot more relaxed than Hagertown! Where Hagerstown was a Chopping Mall, this play was sweet, they called it Wide Open meaning you could do or have access to anything you could have on the street! Money, pussy, drugs and alcohol! Plus they had some fine ass women officers that were nice and sympathetic to our plight as young men behind bars!!! A lot of us still looked like kids you'd see on the street! Middle school, High school hustlers and Killers!  An a lot of the parole violator being fresh off the streets were shocked to see over hundreds kids 14 to 21 years of age all charged with violent and heinous crimes! They never harassed or tried to take advantage of us, I guess they figured we had enough trouble on our plates to deal with as is! Maybe we reminded them of their families, nephews, kids or little brothers! Maybe they just wanted to get back on the street as soon as possible and a jail infraction with some wild kids could screw all of that up for them!

So I met this old cat name LA., I'd seen LA. out the county jail before back in 1993 when I was first charged with what I was currently locked up for! I went home for six months until I was found guilty! I guess LA. wasn't as fortunate! He was a tough built guy but he had a heart of gold! Could have been a Monster but had a real good heart and a since of honor! He kind of reminded me of Tyson in a way! Mike Tyson not Tyson Beckford! So one day the Movie of the Week was "The Body Guard" Starring Whitney Houston!!!  It had just come out on video too and one the Prison Guards brought it into the jail for us to watch for Tuesdays Movie Night! Everyone was exited, it was movie night and Whitney Houston was Big Shit back then! She was at the Top of  her game and the undisputed the Best Singer Out at that Time! Whitney had the hottest movie and album out when it came out in 1992! Now were in jail their aren't a lot of perks so to get a chance to enjoy something that current is a big deal! If I was still up in the Mountains of Hagerstown, I wouldn't be watching no damn" "The BodyGuard"   So for a couple of hours Whitney took us all away from our problem and back to a time when we were free! We call it going uptown in jail, traveling in your mind transcending out of your physical surroundings! Everyone was on the edge of their seats and quiet hanging on to Whitney's every appearance, expression, words and notes!

 Everyone except LA., He made it very vocal as to how much he didn't like Whitney Houston and how to him, she wasn't shit but a fake as Pipe Smoking Bitch! Now remember this is before the Diane Sawyer interview! Like a solid 4yr years before the whole rumors of the Crack use allegations began to surface! But right now in 1995 it's guy saying when he was on the run, like between 1989/1990! He spent time with Whitney Houston and she was one of his biggest customers! This shit immediately caused a fucking tier up rising! Niggas was MAD, I fucks with(really like) Whitney Houston but these Mutha Fuckas took it personal! L.A went on to say that Whitney and her Entourage would call from the studio where I guess they were working on "The BodyGuard Album" and tell him to get the Crack ready because they were coming to party! He said this went on to become a every night thing and they would stay at his Crack house Smoking Coke until the Sun came up! He said, Whitney was a straight fiend like she was the worst one when it came to smoking that shit out of the whole bunch! He wouldn't back down on this either!!!Even in the face of being increasingly out numbered by a surprising amount of Prison population Whitney Houston fans with knives!!! He was not intimidated and was sticking to his story! As he brandished his own Knife made of a 10 inch nail with a torn pillow case rapped around the end, as a make shift handle! It was on the verge of starting a full fledged riot! The riot squad had to be called! Eventually storming our tier and forcing us into our cells for the night !!! Imagine their bewilderment when they found out all of this began because someone said Whitney Houston Smoked Crack! Which at this time was unheard of!!! They had to turn off the movie and they made us lock in for the rest of the night, no showers, no phone calls, no visits, it was still early too like 8:30!!! We were pissed with LA.!!!  LA. I guess he had a issue with people who put stars on a pedestal! In a whole other stratosphere beyond the range of average humans!!! Stars are up in the sky is what he would say! In his own words, she was just not a mere mortal but, A Pipe Smoking Bitch!!! Damn LA. What did Whitney Houston do or Say to you back at the Crack House????

So you can imagine my surprise four years later when Whitney came out on TV to clear the air of the rumors of her alleged Crack use! She said,"Crack is Wack!!!"  I was telling everyone I knew about the story of the "The Body Guard" Prison Riot and why it happened! Everyone was on the fence like why are people trying to put that bad bone out on Whitney! Before this had came to pass I had knowledge of a source confirming this that culminated with a ensuing Prison Riot! All because of this same rumor! An well we know how this story ended, May She Rest in Peace but just to let you know before Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight and Inside addition!!! L.A. already had the Word on the Street or as I like to call it "The Pipe Talk!!!!" 

"The White Knuckler"

I was working Downtown from like Sept. to Dec. last year. It was at one of the popular bar restaurants near Light st & Baltimore st.. With the hotel tourist business and as you can imagine if your a fan of my work, the customers I bartend for found me very interesting! I would make so much money daily, it was really easy to fall into a slave cycle of just working to get and smoke Crack Cocaine! This repetitive cycle is very similar  to the farmers of Columbia who actually farm the coca leaves in South America! The Cocaine farmers claim the properties of the leaf alone are not addictive but ultimately find themselves working to be paid in Coca leaves only! There's no documented connection between the leaves and  the addictive properties of the finish product Cocaine, but if you'll work for pay in this leaf only, this sounds addictive to me! I don't know but maybe they're saving them up as a co-opp or something, where at the end of the week they can all put in there coca leaves together, then  having enough to make some real Cocaine!

Well anyway I had fallen into one of those cycles and many times I've wonder why it's so many  waiter/waitresses or how so many washed up punch drunk waiters/waitresses wound up becoming career service employee's working in the services industry of downtown Baltimore! You can make enough money working at anyone of these Inner Harbor area restaurants to support your habit as well as pay your bills at the same time! Even if you fuck up all of your money smoking crack or doing lines with hot Russian girls here on a work visa or some college coed's home for the summer break! Your only one five guests seat table away from a $100 to a $250 tip and your back in the game! This is dangerous for a addict, the constant up and down roller coaster of chasing money thrills and Drugs! Then with the up and down joy and disappointment of striking it big or possibly being given nothing in tips! This kind of lifestyle parallels to closely to the brains pleasure reward system pushing a unsuspecting addict back into a relapse!

 You can go from someone who's feeling good about the progress and success they're making to the very next morning having barely enough to get a McDonald's breakfast sandwich or a donut and a juice! It's a hurting feeling you can at times almost wish you were dead! Before last nights binge began you were having fleeting thoughts about getting high as you secretly counted up the tips you were making through the course of your shift, even speculating what you'd make with the guest who were still enjoying your company! With every $10 to $20 dollar tip your suppressing the growing desire to go out and have a party tonight as soon as your relief comes through the door! You slightly remember that last night you blew a days work $265 and the night before that you had a good time but you blew $80! Now your running off of 12 hours sleep in over the past three days and in this moment your on the verge of doing the same thing all over again! Its like your seducing yourself or watching a movie about a character you care about who's about to do something that you know can only end up in their public humiliation! But as they hope and desire for the best possible outcome and so do you, though you know the inevitable ensuing car wreck will be just as satisfying!

It's funny how you can go from the best person in the world during a shift entertaining everyone! Receiving self gratification from everyone and everywhere, to being all alone and wanting at the end of a shift! Looking down one street towards a bus stop home and in the opposite direction into a abyss of another night compounding to your 4 day Crack binge! Going from every human need being met and then finding yourself with your back to your place of employment now facing the whole world and the realization of your true life not being as  rewarding or fulfilling as the facade of an entertainment environment you have just finished facilitating for the last 6 hours! An now your have left yourself with not enough life energy for yourself, only the money! Reflecting back on how at one time your were in a good place going to school! With a good support system of teachers and class friends to talk to and a community to be a part of  but all the same in the need of a girlfriend or a little more money!

 Now your somewhere in the near future with both or one or the other but now your off track! None of the core support and people who meant the most or had the values and structure that made you stop thinking about drug use! Yeah, you didn't have a steady girlfriend or disposable income but you had a routine, a future aspiration and some long term friends in your corner! I couldn't see it though or couldn't see the true value in the position God had put me in! Instead I allowed myself to be seduced by the appeal of the things that I didn't have! Now I'm caught up in the Downtown tourist industry and living on the edge fighting between my addiction & sobriety, with sobriety being in short supply!

Now I find myself sitting at a the famous Peters Pub! I'm conversing with some cool guys and girls in town for business! Who want to party further than what Long Island Ice Tea's and Captain & Cokes can take them! Your black and from Baltimore so with all due respect they ask you! Do you know where they can get some blow? The Latrobe projects are right up the street! This deal can net you what you want on the side and still get the drugs for your new friends! Its been three days of chasing this shit now! You started this morning broke and discussed with yourself! Barely enough money for a Egg McMuffin Coffee and a Hash brown! You need to go home and get some sleep it's 1:30 in the morning and you have to be back in to Work at 10:00 am!!! Man please!!! Just tell them you don't know anything about buying drugs, just finish your drink and go home.....