"Crisis"

As I was beginning to write this post I was hearing a banging and ruckus going on outside of my apartment! The loud pounding sounds as if it's coming from the apartment above me! Three times over and over again with a constant banging, knocking & pounding! There is a single mother who lives above me with three small children, it gets noisy all the time! As the saying goes enough to drive a man to drink! In my case, to use my drugs of choice. No one especially the single parent mom or the rental office doesn't want to admit it but she's in over her head! I respect her for holding it down, strong black woman and all, but it isn't fair to to the rest of us neighbors who live beneath her on the second floor! The apartment where I live doesn't have concrete  walls or ceilings, so I can hear everything that goes on above my apartment and she lets them play inside the house with no real bed time! It starts early too, like 7am & ends late like 2am! Now it's 9:30 in the morning and it sounds like the ghetto is starting early! Actually it is, but only if I really had a clue as to what was about to take place!

 As I was trying to focus in on this post I get a knock at my bedroom door, my family member tells me the apartment across the hall is being raided by the police!!! I ask, "Are they sure?" They say, Yes, they opened the door and the police told them go back inside, they were there for the apartment across the hall!  I immediately got angry(a stewing, steaming, frustration inside) because I think to myself, if you see the apartment across the hall is being raided, then why in the fuck would you open our door!!! It could have been a mistaken door by the police for all we know! The neighbors apartment could have been the wrong door and the raid was actually intended for us! You hear stories all the time of how the police miscount doors and windows and raid the wrong house or apartment! I'm not using drugs in my place, but who wants to be put face down on the floor at 9am over a tip or nothing at all, Not me!!!

This kind of brings back unresolved feelings from the past concerning me and my family member. This same person aided the police in making a arrest on me evolving the same kind of scenario as this morning! It didn't amount into anything but at the time the police didn't have any justified reason to arrest me! Just word of mouth from someone who I partied with who didn't want to take a criminal charge by themselves! They needed some company at trial, some people can't stand alone in a court of law! So I guess the police felt if they would shake hard enough I'd roll over on myself! I stayed quiet though, and after a 24hr detainment and questioning I was released on my own recognizance! I still had to get together money for representation and live with the stress that I could possibly be convicted at trial because of my prior record, but over all I was pissed off! The person I was living with let the Police in the house of their own permission! Even as I write this I'm slightly aggravated still! Now this morning their is a full fledged raid going on across the hall and this person tells me they opened the door to see whats going on! They said they thought that the banging was at our door! All the same, even if it was the case, why would you get up out of your bed and open the door, for anything out of the ordinary? That's what the peep holes are for, to look outside before opening your door! I guess what I'm truly afraid of is how this person makes me feel. They upset me and I can't handle it at certain times! Though I'm not actively using drugs, maybe a inpatient center would be better for my on going recovery? There have been small warning signs like this in the past that I didn't heed! That lead to detriment in my recovery process.

It's been  awhile since I've used drugs in my home but you never know! I clean, I vacuum but this morning was just frustrating I don't even want to talk about it with this person! If I was in a weakened state of will or mind, something like this could pushed me over the edge! Unresolved emotions and family issues! Then dealing with a family member who wants to support you but also doesn't want to hear what you really think about them when recovery gets real! I have to hear what everyone thinks of me whether I choose to or not! I'm constantly hearing about the so called progress everyone(family&friends) are making as in contrast to myself! Either my family is naive or really can't imagine how this could affect someone like me but when it all falls down! They're all like what went wrong? You were doing so well. It's not being said but its implied and inferred your not making any progress! We can't help you so we'll judge you. I ignore it and stay my course.

 Go to school, go to work, do this little blog that's becoming slightly popular these days, but instead of at least a "good for you", "that a boy" or "way to turn around a negative into a positive", it's only every possible critique and probable wrong that could come from me blogging about my experiences while I was addicted to Crack Cocaine!

 I guess my Drug Rehabilitation Counselor Ms. Lavinia was right, I have to celebrate and validate my own milestones in the recovery process, because you may want help or support but some people,even family can't give you, what they don't have in their human resources to give you! Listening to people patronize you about not getting into trouble with drugs at cliche moments in time, but never are they tuned in or on alert to my crisis moments of being in jeopardy when I am truly on the edge of relapse! This sucks and I feel so alone sometimes! They say in Recovery to take it one day at a time and if that's to much, then to take it one moment at a time! It seems today is going to be one of those days or moments! Pray for me, I'm going to try to get some homework done in the mean time......