Tuesday, May 1, 2012

"Why Must It Always Come To This"

I consider myself a good person, where some want to be goons, goblins, down ass bitches and hoes, I try to keep a hold on my humanity in the midst of this game! Sometimes or a lot of times this can be a liability in what I do out here smoking this Crack Rock & Shit! I'm addicted to Crack and Crack is usually synonymous with the street and being a so called bad ass or just plain ratchet behavior! A lot of people you encounter want to be seen in this light but honestly everyone isn't build for it! All the way from the dealer down to the user and everyone you could imagine in between. The people who behave this way, I think they are just caught up into the stereotype of if you are in the game you have to act crazy or vicious! I think it's all stupid to be honest! Just because you enjoy Smoking or selling Crack does this mean you have to be a killer also or a manipulative pimp or street hustler that preys on the weaknesses of others? Its false negative programing from movies and TV shows! This must be where all this senseless violence comes in, fucking up the game! Like Kenny Red said in "American Pimp", "Some of them don't know if they want to be pimps or killers, some of them look like Godzilla!" Just because I'm doing something wrong or its considered Taboo, doesn't mean I'm just going to turn rabid Pit bull and become like a animal or less than human! So people can see me in some false light of how I'm suppose to be from some punk ass movie or something! They say drugs don't change you, I don't believe that, Drugs just bring out who you already were but had to many inhibitions to act on hiding beneath a social mask of deceit! You'll have to agree all I've ever been is a addict! Whether it was girlfriends, Sex, Junk food, Self Praise, Marijuana and now Crack Cocaine, I had to have it. All that aside I always have been a good person. I want to have a good time and pleasurable experience. Though I just see the worst of people who are out here using every time as I try to indulge in this activity & substance.

With all this being said, I keep having flash backs of a unresolved last time I was out there getting high and things got slightly out of control. I allowed a lot of people to take advantage of me. It haunts me all the way until today. I was out of control I had a lot of money for a street junkie and it was like Christmas. Enough Money to Buy what ever amount of crack I wanted and get exactly where I wanted to be as far as that feeling of satisfaction inside that sometimes ends to soon. When you only have enough to get there but not enough money to take a second trip to the mountain top or the zenith, where you just want to feel that feeling and sensation one more time of reaching the Crack Cocaine's experience Apex!

As you pick your space between several attending Crack fiends, you've got everything necessary for your trip! The Dope Man has hit you off, you've paid your house fee to Smoke Crack on the premises now it's time to smoke. I have a abundance of money but I'm not in the mood to share or party with anyone! The last time I was here has left a bitter taste in my mouth. Everyone is there at least five people I know and have gotten high with on separate occasions, all making claims as to knowing me personally! I do know them all from getting high in the same neighborhood for over three years. Everyone one a separate Adventure & Story! Some experience's were good and some experiences bad but apparently now they all hope I have some sense of nostalgia from that last time we've all hung out individually. I pull out my Stem and my Chore boy as I start to put my pipe together. Some of the people become like parents nurturing a child offering to assist me in putting my Crack Pipe together. Apparently I don't know what I'm doing, the way I construct my pipe isn't efficient or insulated enough! I guess I waist too much Crack Vapor with my design & craftsmanship the way that I Smoke my Crack! It's such a pity I guess for them to see me waist so much Crack in this fashion as they sit watching Crackless, me not getting all the Crack for my buck!

I put my thing down and I'm not sharing or taking any assistance because every offer of friendship or favor has a price tag of a free hit of Crack associated with it. I just want to laugh smoke my shit talk some shit until I've had my fill and go. I load up a big hit on my pipe as they all sit leaning in on the edge of their seats watching me like starving animals watching a rotisserie smoked chicken wheel turning over a mesquite fire! Now I realize my dilemma, it's hard to enjoy yourself with everyone obviously staring at you like this. I mean you'd have to be a complete sociopath for that shit not to bother you as you go on enjoying yourself with out noticing all these fiends staring at you like hungry wolves in a Looney Tunes Cartoon! They all look so sad and you know just a little bit of these white flakes of crystallized cocaine will stop it all. Anyway I try to light my lighter and miss the first strike, without the skip of a beat people start sliding lighters across the tables, some even try to light my Crack for me. As if this is "Casablanca" with them being Bogart, so I guess I'm Ingrid Bergman or someone! It's just all to much I feel like a Pop star barraged by his fans an I just want to be regular!

So I hit the shit and it's good too, it temporarily debilitates me as I fall back on the couch stuck and trembling, I can feel everyone around me scrambling and getting alarm about emanate danger regarding my health! They're screaming my name over and over again the sensation of euphoria is great and strong rush from my brain, down my spinal column and out throughout the nerve endings of my central nervous system! It feels magnificent, I got a real good hit too, I can feel the smoke getting deep into both my lungs and I can hear bells ringing inside my head as I blow out the Crack smoke! Its a hell of a high after holding in the smoke for such a long time and denying yourself precious oxygen! It's like the Choking Game but on Crack! As I reanimate springing forth with signs of life everyone is all laughing and joking about how they thought for a minute I was going to die. Frita is kind of scared though, she sees me hold my chest she thinks my heart is going into A-fib and maybe it is, so she offers me some aspirin and water, but I'm not afraid, I'm strong and I'm sure it will pass.

All of a sudden I'm receiving the Five Star Crack heads treatment! As I walk around the house trying to gather myself three of the girls in the room have approached me quietly offering their sexual services to me! I'm not interested as the other three men tell fantasies of how they would normally share their Crack when they were in position to. As Frita just fucking begins to looses it, she says, "Pipe that's fucked up you smoking all your shit up and ain't even offer me none!" The shit has drove her crazy after several years day after day after day of substance abuse. She's forgotten or maybe she thinks I've forgotten. I say, "Frita I gave you twenty dollar before I began getting high." She starts to dispute about the twenty dollars in question! Beginning to corner me as she yells at the top of her voice at the foot of the steps and I say with a exhale of disbelief & disappointment, I want to leave, please move out of my way! She places her hand on the banister as to gesture that I can't leave until I pay! A voice of empathy cries out from behind her in sympathy, It's Helen a older black woman, "Frita just let him go!" Unfortunately for herself and everyone in this room she's made a very bad decision. Because I'm not a punk nor am I afraid of anyone or anything!

Now I've gone inside desensitized to everything and something has come over me and I will do what I have to do to survive! I try to rush my way past her to the door as she cocks back throwing a wild right that I easily walk underneath of as I spin around behind pushing her face first into the corner! As it all happens I'm just reacting, totally in the moment! Some dark skin guy jumps up and takes a jab me with a pin Knife! Though it was all probably moving fast at that time to me I could see everything slowing down as he fumbled to get the 3' blade out of his pocket and opened! I should have struck him then in retrospect but I'm watching him just as intrigued to see what he's trying to do as he was trying to do it! As he makes this already seen lunge towards me everyone is screaming, "NO NO NO" as if this has all gone on too soon, too far and should be stopped! I guess by popular Crack House consensus this was all not worth some bloodshed! It's early too maybe like 5:30pm this could fuck up everyone day! Before they can all fret, I twist side ways letting this slow motion trust go right past my collar bone and chin! Then just like Mayweather on the return counter right hand punch from a shoulder role went straight down the middle of this dudes face like a 7/10 Split! He was out cold before he even hit the ground. Sprawled out hard against the hard wood floor. He made a hard thud as he hit the deck, while the pin knife makes a crackle drop sound like marbles being pored out on a counter top. I get a immediate adrenaline rush from the excitement that has all just replayed back through my mind and I realize I'm unscratched.

 As I look around into every ones face they are all horrified as if a sleeping monster has been awakened. I always told them I didn't take any shit and if any situation was to arise I'd be able to protect myself! Now as they see it with their own eyes they all sit in suspended horror as to who will be my next victim that I lay my hands on! So I give them what they want to see! I raise my hands above my head and start to threaten everyone! Jumping bad screaming at everyone doing the flinch game as I walk back and forth and then over to my pipe and Crack still sitting on the table exactly where I left it. I Load up my stem one more time with the whole other half of my twenty while everyone watches me in silence. Lisa tries to get up speaking to herself "This shit is crazy I got to go!" I reach out in her direction with my lighter hand extended and my my eyes cut evilly & peripherally in her direction as I say so coldly DON'T FUCKING MOVE!!!! An she didn't, while I struck my lighter hit my Crack taking me a nice good hit on top of all this adrenaline now being accelerated by cocaine smoke! It's almost too much to ingest at once, I drool while wiping my chin, stumbling side to side as Helen mumbles under her breathe, "this shit don't make no damn sense" I look around as I come up from my high! Everyone is still on pin & needles while I look around! It's time to go Frita's sitting over top of the floored guy with everyone else sharing a look of false imprisonment! Picking up a roll of toilette paper from the coffee table I wrap up my hot uncool-ed Crack Pipe and make my way through a tight isle of legs & edge of a coffee table, making my way out of the Dead Silent Crack house living room!!!!


Anonymous said...

Just came across your blog, read every last word and I'm glad to see your still posting. I also struggled with remaining a good person when I was using, and there are situations that call for a person to adapt to survive. I'm loving your point of view, keep up the good work.

The Relapse Diary said...

Someone Gets It Thank You!!!