"Too Wong Boo"

I had been out earlier driving around in the search for some Crack, I drove down my old way Patterson Park things were dead it wasn't anyone out. For some reason no one wanted to be out hustling on the street. After that I went by Nate's house and the door had been kicked in. I guess their had been a Drug raid. So lucky lucky me, right place at the right which wasn't their a little while earlier! On this evening the wide open one stop crack shop got shut down I was at work. It funny how life goes,people want things to be complex but sometimes it a game of seconds and inches. I guess this is one of the advantages of being the working class crackhead, having a job cuts down on your probability of the problems the average street junky must face, from over exposure to this Baltimore Crack Cocaine Under World! Regardless of it all I'm getting pressed now(anxious) and this was before it ever occurred to me to go up on York Rd to buy Crack for the first time. So basically I've given up for tonight, I'm discouraged and have decided after seeing Nate's post raided house and my inability to find Crack that God himself was sending me  message. I came to the belief as I was driving home that God had spared me from prison by missing the drug raid and by how dry the streets were tonight. I was beginning to take this sign as that God himself no longer wants me to smoke crack! Just as this begins to take root in my mind and thoughts, out of the corner of my eye I see a game sprung Crack freak.

Only a few blocks from home, only a few moments from excepting a opportunity for sobriety, here it is some temptation in a unsuspected place right in front of Good Samaritan Hospital, Temptation! The tension to get high from all the frustration of not being able to find any Crack came over my whole body at once as I was being taken over by a unseen entity. I pull up on shorty and roll down my window as I asked her whats up? She says, "what's up with you" and I say, "I want to hang out if she knows where we can find something". She replies, "I know just the place to go". Instantly I'm relieved and exited all at once. She seems confident in her ability to cop(find) some crack and I believe her. As she sat down I gave her a once over, she looked good but she wasn't really my type, It just wasn't anything getting my juices going! I asked her what was her name and she said Triecie. She asked in return what I was looking for I told her some Crack and she replied as I finished her phrase for her,"You don't even look like you get high!" "I know everyone says that". She asks my age and she says, "I would have guested younger". She says as we continue on, "are you sure your not the police before I take you to the spot?" Because the same thing happened to me not to long ago. She said she was tricking(prostituting)and when they got to the secluded place to do the cop, it turned out to be a sting operation. I assured her that no I wasn't the police and all the trouble I'd been through earlier and sometimes how my clean appearance can get in the way of buying Crack from dealers who don't know me. She says I could imagine because she wouldn't sell to me either if she dealt. I asked her how far we got to go she says right behind the Hospital on Woodbourne ave.

So I go down Belvedere rd. to Hillen rd and a right on to Woodbourne ave. going back towards Loch Raven blvd., I'm thinking all this time it's a Crack House right in my quiet neighborhood and I didn't know. I guess everything happens at their appointed times. In this Crack shit the wrong days or time by minutes and seconds can lead to incarceration. So she tells me to turn left on to Fenwick ave. and make a immediate right into the alley behind Woodbourne ave. She's mad paranoid and being extra cautious but I'm thinking to myself this is a sweet secluded spot and the only way it could be hot is if you or the reckless friends your about introduce me to made it hot. So we ride down the alley to the middle of the block and she tells me to cut off my cars engine and lights. I say is this the place and she says yeah I just got to talk to you first about something. So I'm like well what's up and she says do you have any problem with gay people? I don't have any problem with gay people but at the point I would have care if Elton John himself would have been in there Butt Ass Naked as long as some Crack was being sold. I say, "no Gay people cool". She comes right back with are you Gay? I say no and she says, my bad just thought you may were gay and I had to ask you. I let it roll of my back, I think she was a little burned that I didn't want to trade crack for Sex. You'd think take me to the crack for some free crack would be a good deal, versus suck my dick for some crack but I guess not, I must be Gay!

So you probably would know if you've ever have been back behind their before, that block of Woodbourne ave. is built on a big hill. It's like a two floor hike to the back door. I'm totally relaxed everything has a good feeling to it but she's being mad careful and is so worried like this house is under surveillance from the neighborhood and Police but at this time its a quiet, cool and clear midnight blue night sky. I'm kind of exited to because the journey is over and most of the time unlike straight people, gay people don't play a lot of games. So even with the Crack dynamic, I'm sure it will be the same. She knockS on the door and a soft but male voice comes through the door, Who is it? "It's Triece!" Who you got with you? "A friend he's cool", and a small brown skin gay guy comes to the door. He's in host mode and he's friendly. He's smiling so this seems like this could become a good place to smoke and hang out. The guy sticks his hand out like a girl and I shake it and smile and he invites us in. As I come in its like two more clean cut feminine gay men, two well done but obvious Transsexuals and someone I'm not to sure about, but process of elimination and the homosexual back drop, this is probably a shemale also! So as I walk in its all smiles as their all sitting around like girls smiling like I'm the new boy in class! They're like Triece so who is your friend? I keep it polite everyone is acting civil and I want things to have a good outcome so I act like I'm all good with everything! She says we just met, so one of the boy/girls says I thought you didn't trick. She looks ashamed as if the T-girl was trying to make her feel like less of a woman, though she maybe actually the only woman their. I interrupt and said, I was looking for something and I ran into her and she brought me here. The shemale takes a reluctant tone of standing corrected. Then apologizes more in a way of well he doesn't look like he gets high versus really being sorry.

So the little gay guy goes through a curtain in the back and says cool he has something. While Triecie is involved in a battle of wits with the T-girls, the one who is the spitting image of Toni Braxton motions me with her body language to take the seat beside her. I go over and sit down and begin to have a conversation. A look of jealousy now comes Triecie as if this girl is making a move on her man. She plays it off cool but I can tell she's upset but I'm a person of my word so she doesn't have to get upset I'll hit her off for bringing to her source. So as I sit and wait and get to know the "girls" I'm with I can feel the eyes of all of the T-girls upon me all at once. I look away from talking to my new friend and yes its all eyes on me. Its actually flattering everyone in the room is on you. I guess some might not find this flattering, all the same its a ego boost to be desired by everyone in the room. As I look face by face by face everyone is giving me the fuck me eyes, then I see Triecie and she is definitely not having as much fun as I am. It's almost like I have a gay harem or something, they get me a drink turn on some Maxwell and its a good time. They're all asking me questions as they hang on my every word. It's like that comercial, I'm the most interesting man in the world. Triece is becoming impatient, she says, "what the fuck is taking him so long!" One T-girls is like chill the fuck out, aren't you going to stay for awhile anyway, isn't that why you brought him here. That's the impression I had when we arrived too but I guess things have changed. So one of the Shemales sprinkles some crack shake into some broken down bud(Marijuana) and twists up a Woolie blunt. The blunt should go to the right but they want me to feel welcome so they pass the cypher to me! It smells good in the air, I look up at her/him as I smile and take the blunt, he/she smiles back as I take the blunt and take a nice slow pull, I can hear the blunt crackle and pop as I smoke. The mix of the crack and weed is a good balance. I'm super high but the weed is holding the Crack a little longer than the Crack would be by it's self. I'm feeling good now and all the tension is beginning to be released as I crack my neck, my back and my joints, finger and toes. They all laugh and say it sounds like it been awhile for some one. The reference of Gay sex makes me feel uncomfortable and they can see it all over my face, so a awkward silence takes the room. I feel bad that I wasn't able to conceal my thoughts and feelings, I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable. They were all nice and I was encouraging them. Just then the little gay guy comes back with the crack. 

I'm feeling so good I basically, I don't need the crack anymore, but I came under the intention to buy so I will. The little dude had like a 1/2 oz in a zip lock and asked me how much I wanted. I say let me get three grams. He takes a piece out and slices off the three grams. Toni then asks me do I have a stem. I pull out all of the pipe materials I purchased earlier and give it to her, she breaks down the chore boy and puts my pipe together for me. She then makes a fresh chore boy filter for herself. As we passed pipes and filter screen between one another our eyes meet and she stared deep into my eyes. A funny but good feeling ran through my body and I dropped my eyes as I smiled. Triecie abruptly says "what about me, you going to straighten me out right!" Almost in unison they all let out "damn Triecie calm down let the man enjoy himself that's why you brought him her right?" Toni whispers in my ear just give her what she wants so she can leave. So I chop triece off a twenty five and she has the audacity to turn up her nose. I say, "well whats the problem?" She goes off on a rant of how she's wasted her time and all I'm gone give her is a twenty five. An how me and these faggies ain't right, their stepping on her toes and I'm letting them. I slide the crack back over to me with a playing card like, "so you don't want it!" She gets high pitched and shrill, "Oh you gone take your shit back now, oh I see how it is!" She's trying to put on a good front but when I slid that Crack back over to my end of the mirror, I could hear her heart drop into her stomach! She almost look like she wanted to cry. I take the razor out adding on a nickle more and slide it back over. She graciously excepts this time, rapping up her crack and her pride in a foil gum wrapper as she exited the basement. I would go on to see Triecie several more time as I came and went night after night getting high, but we were more like strangers from then on, you would never guess she introduced me to this place, we were never again the same.

Soon as she walk out and the door was closed behind her, all of the T-girls explode into laughter as I kind of just sat there relieved in agreement to their laughter, but I can't bring myself to laugh, as I feel it would be a since of disloyalty. So Toni brings it to every one's attention that I'm too honorable and ashamed to laugh at Triecie and all of the T-girls seem to find it just as funny. So once everything has settled Toni tells me that I don't need to smoke my shit up, that I am her guest and she would like to Treat me. She reaches inside of her bra underneath a tempting revealing cleavage of a few gold chains. She removes her stash and catches me fantasizing after her breast but this time I don't turn my gaze and we meet in a strong interlocking gaze of the eyes. She knows I find her attractive now and no matter what I say with my mouth, my body and eyes make lies of everything I'll say. She takes my hand and says it alright and lights the stem slightly melting the Crack so that it melts down into the filtered screen. The Crack is still on the pipe but it has just be liquidated down into and saturated the the filter with crack cocaine. The filter has now turned from copper the a ghostly frosty white. I take the stem and take a nice deep hit. I got the hit good none of the smoke is missed as it reaches both lung compartments and the temperature of the smoke leaves me with a burning sensation as I exhale the cocaine smoke just before my longs can stand it anymore. I here a buzzing and feel it as well as I begin to get hot and sweaty. Toni asks if I'm alright and I just motion my head in agreement because I'm so high I can't bring myself to speak. I fall back into the couch as I look at the ceiling while I ride out my high. Toni and all the T-girls laugh and giggle as girls would. Bragging and laughing about how good their Cocaine was. While I lay their feeling great and a multitude of feelings and inhibitions running from head to toe through out my body, one of the girls puts on a sex tape. Its guy on girl and they all notice that it has my attention. I'm awake and mesmerized by the video, its so much more of a interpersonal experience high on cocaine. Something about the release of all of the dopamine the visual stimulation plus the drug induced euphoria creates a very realistic virtual sexual experience. Instantly and effortlessly giving sexual satisfaction,where as sex and dealing with everything that comes with it can get complicated and still not leaving you completely satisfied. Contrary to this experience always ending with a orgasmic high that mostly is never rivaled by the real thing. There is no, no or restrictions, just wild fantasy, ridiculous act, rarely recreated by real women and the amplifying effect of a cocaine induce erotic experience fantasy.

While I'm watching the movie and smoking coke traveling between dream scape drug haze fantasy and a virtual sex experience. I begin to feel a real warm and wet mouth sucking and pleasuring me orally. I look down and its Toni smiling as she looks up at me from her peripheral vision She is going for it as I watch the movie and all of the shemales watch her and me in lust. I have my reservations as to where I'm at with this, is Toni a girl or not a girl? The logic behind all of this would lead me to believe Toni is not a girl, but right now every thing except the live show audience of boy/girls, everything looks right and I'm getting some off the best head I've ever had. Toni is riding my dick with her mouth like a girl rough fucking cowgirl style riding my hips with her pussy. All this why I watch the wildest sexual acts on video. Watching my gay audience watch and squirm in their seats like real girls who are hot in their pussies. Just as I take a another hit of the crack smoke, I climax exploding in Toni's  mouth as the cocaine rush drops down from my head to my loins exploding from my balls and down into Toni's throat, as she finishes me of sucking me dry of all of the remaining semen, down to the last drop. My balls and groin area shiver and quiver as Toni delivers the best head imaginable. She finally comes up off of it, smiling while wiping her chin and lower lip clean, knowing she's done a good job and that I am pleased. I am pleased too!!! A little soul searching to do, a redefinition as to my moral compass, a scattered and fragmented Psyche, but all in all pleased....     
        
                                  

"They Already Know"

Some junkies are real assholes and some of us junkies are not! I don't steal, murder or squat on your properties. I just find myself running into you self righteous types by coincidence either to or from on my way to purchase Crack. As you walk by me as fast as possible with your smug look like I'd snatch your purse or that I'm some guy who fucked you & ducked you, even maybe some girl who drank up all your money at a bar. You gave her a ride home only finding out  to your dismay, at the same club you gave her a ride from, she fucked that loser Eminem wanna be who always wears that Red Velour Sean Jean Sweat Suite!  I'm not those Crack Heads outside of your house, sitting on your front steps, leaning against your car in the front of your house with a look of defiance, as you look down from your window at us like, "do they fucking know how hard I have to work to pay for this car!" Then each morning as you leave for work you see us getting our Crack money together, shaking down prostitutes, busting car windows, stealing car radio's & hub caps! Just then you double check the locks wondering will we decide to target your back door as soon as you pull off the block going to work. Knowing in the back of your mind that you just might return home later today because you've receive a call at work from Home Security company w/ The Baltimore City Police informing you that your house has been broken into.

 They need you to return home losing a days pay compounded upon see the mess someone has made of your personal property! All the love and memories that were built and cultivated inside has all been ravished away by some unknown intruders. As you turn unto your block you see all of the usual suspects, the jealous as well the concerned neighbors outside of their homes! Watching you as you go through all of the useless formalities with the members of the Baltimore's finest. They'll be no investigation or any of the tricks you've come to know and see on television shows like "CSI"! It's just and a insecure, unsafe feeling of being violated and the uncertain thoughts of what could have possibly happened to you, your children or loved ones if someone would have been home when this all happened! The police had a form for you to fill out or incident report to file with your insurance company for property loss and damages! The junkies all smile and grin as well as your useless indifferent ass neighbors. While you stew and fester with so much vinegar inside as the Officers exit the wreckage of your  home and you think to yourself, "Well what in the fuck do the police do all day!" Anytime I pull off the block without a seat belt on here they come. Stroll to far away from the porch with a brew in your hand and here they come. Make a right on red and be followed from your car to the door step like your a criminal. Now these assholes who you know robbed your house in broad daylight are standing right across the street from you and the police as they depart your house! Now instead of  all of the harassment usually reserved for mistaken identity is now all so absent and lost on a whole community of neighbors, junkies thieves and SSI recipients! I admit we have a problem in Baltimore but lest not rest the weight of Baltimore's infection squarely on the shoulders of it's addicted population.   

I'm the source of some but not all of this, I'm just someone who followed my addiction so long I made a wreckage of my life! In my personal case I have a predisposed addictive behavior that wasn't diagnose until I already had a problem with drugs. First and foremost before all I'm a human being. I'm just not a one dimensional character that you run into from time to time, that you squeeze in to your narrow Psyche as everything that wrong with Baltimore. Little be known I'm probably one of the people that sells you your coffee, bagel and smokes on your way to work. The person you ride the bus home with every night that makes it a little more comfortable to wait on the secluded bus stop. Always with a kind word or a funny story to get you ready for or through your day with something good to say! Lifting spirits a little when the rest of this fuck up city could give a fuck less about you. The same person who stopped you on the street out front of a store on your way to Occupy Baltimore and told you that your trunk would probably be a better place for those text books and art supplies until you get back from your rally against corporate injustice!

 I'm not the problem nor is any other addict or addicted person in recovery. The problem is the 300lbs Gorilla in the room that's not being talked about. Baltimore is a dirty man who's dressed in clean a New Suite. Baltimore looks great and all, but we still stink! We're a infected wound wrapped in a clean bandage, as we play the blame game.  In until we address and deal with our disassociated and disenfranchised, homeless, addicted and mentally ill population who roam our streets we will always have Violence, ignorance and one of the largest addicted population in the Nation. I'm addicted but I want to change, I haven't given up on myself but all of the indifference and finger pointing makes it a hell of a lot harder on the way back off of your knee's getting back onto your feet! An when the person finally breaks and you see them back on your corners wiling the fuck out, begging for change, smoking away the new shiny skin and weight gain, in their nuisance attempt as a cry out for help! You and Baltimore turn your backs of them! We have a health department where is the community outreach! An the people getting paid to inform the addicted and infected population about public resources what are they doing when they're suppose to be working.  You think to yourself for a minute and you wonder why! It's because no one wants to be nuisance by relapse and recovery but can't stand to see the user in active addict plaguing Baltimore streets among us. As we supposedly shame our City in the face of  visitor's, tourists, sister cities & company....

"Why Must It Always Come To This"

I consider myself a good person, where some want to be goons, goblins, down ass bitches and hoes, I try to keep a hold on my humanity in the midst of this game! Sometimes or a lot of times this can be a liability in what I do out here smoking this Crack Rock & Shit! I'm addicted to Crack and Crack is usually synonymous with the street and being a so called bad ass or just plain ratchet behavior! A lot of people you encounter want to be seen in this light but honestly everyone isn't build for it! All the way from the dealer down to the user and everyone you could imagine in between. The people who behave this way, I think they are just caught up into the stereotype of if you are in the game you have to act crazy or vicious! I think it's all stupid to be honest! Just because you enjoy Smoking or selling Crack does this mean you have to be a killer also or a manipulative pimp or street hustler that preys on the weaknesses of others? Its false negative programing from movies and TV shows! This must be where all this senseless violence comes in, fucking up the game! Like Kenny Red said in "American Pimp", "Some of them don't know if they want to be pimps or killers, some of them look like Godzilla!" Just because I'm doing something wrong or its considered Taboo, doesn't mean I'm just going to turn rabid Pit bull and become like a animal or less than human! So people can see me in some false light of how I'm suppose to be from some punk ass movie or something! They say drugs don't change you, I don't believe that, Drugs just bring out who you already were but had to many inhibitions to act on hiding beneath a social mask of deceit! You'll have to agree all I've ever been is a addict! Whether it was girlfriends, Sex, Junk food, Self Praise, Marijuana and now Crack Cocaine, I had to have it. All that aside I always have been a good person. I want to have a good time and pleasurable experience. Though I just see the worst of people who are out here using every time as I try to indulge in this activity & substance.

With all this being said, I keep having flash backs of a unresolved last time I was out there getting high and things got slightly out of control. I allowed a lot of people to take advantage of me. It haunts me all the way until today. I was out of control I had a lot of money for a street junkie and it was like Christmas. Enough Money to Buy what ever amount of crack I wanted and get exactly where I wanted to be as far as that feeling of satisfaction inside that sometimes ends to soon. When you only have enough to get there but not enough money to take a second trip to the mountain top or the zenith, where you just want to feel that feeling and sensation one more time of reaching the Crack Cocaine's experience Apex!

As you pick your space between several attending Crack fiends, you've got everything necessary for your trip! The Dope Man has hit you off, you've paid your house fee to Smoke Crack on the premises now it's time to smoke. I have a abundance of money but I'm not in the mood to share or party with anyone! The last time I was here has left a bitter taste in my mouth. Everyone is there at least five people I know and have gotten high with on separate occasions, all making claims as to knowing me personally! I do know them all from getting high in the same neighborhood for over three years. Everyone one a separate Adventure & Story! Some experience's were good and some experiences bad but apparently now they all hope I have some sense of nostalgia from that last time we've all hung out individually. I pull out my Stem and my Chore boy as I start to put my pipe together. Some of the people become like parents nurturing a child offering to assist me in putting my Crack Pipe together. Apparently I don't know what I'm doing, the way I construct my pipe isn't efficient or insulated enough! I guess I waist too much Crack Vapor with my design & craftsmanship the way that I Smoke my Crack! It's such a pity I guess for them to see me waist so much Crack in this fashion as they sit watching Crackless, me not getting all the Crack for my buck!

I put my thing down and I'm not sharing or taking any assistance because every offer of friendship or favor has a price tag of a free hit of Crack associated with it. I just want to laugh smoke my shit talk some shit until I've had my fill and go. I load up a big hit on my pipe as they all sit leaning in on the edge of their seats watching me like starving animals watching a rotisserie smoked chicken wheel turning over a mesquite fire! Now I realize my dilemma, it's hard to enjoy yourself with everyone obviously staring at you like this. I mean you'd have to be a complete sociopath for that shit not to bother you as you go on enjoying yourself with out noticing all these fiends staring at you like hungry wolves in a Looney Tunes Cartoon! They all look so sad and you know just a little bit of these white flakes of crystallized cocaine will stop it all. Anyway I try to light my lighter and miss the first strike, without the skip of a beat people start sliding lighters across the tables, some even try to light my Crack for me. As if this is "Casablanca" with them being Bogart, so I guess I'm Ingrid Bergman or someone! It's just all to much I feel like a Pop star barraged by his fans an I just want to be regular!

So I hit the shit and it's good too, it temporarily debilitates me as I fall back on the couch stuck and trembling, I can feel everyone around me scrambling and getting alarm about emanate danger regarding my health! They're screaming my name over and over again the sensation of euphoria is great and strong rush from my brain, down my spinal column and out throughout the nerve endings of my central nervous system! It feels magnificent, I got a real good hit too, I can feel the smoke getting deep into both my lungs and I can hear bells ringing inside my head as I blow out the Crack smoke! Its a hell of a high after holding in the smoke for such a long time and denying yourself precious oxygen! It's like the Choking Game but on Crack! As I reanimate springing forth with signs of life everyone is all laughing and joking about how they thought for a minute I was going to die. Frita is kind of scared though, she sees me hold my chest she thinks my heart is going into A-fib and maybe it is, so she offers me some aspirin and water, but I'm not afraid, I'm strong and I'm sure it will pass.

All of a sudden I'm receiving the Five Star Crack heads treatment! As I walk around the house trying to gather myself three of the girls in the room have approached me quietly offering their sexual services to me! I'm not interested as the other three men tell fantasies of how they would normally share their Crack when they were in position to. As Frita just fucking begins to looses it, she says, "Pipe that's fucked up you smoking all your shit up and ain't even offer me none!" The shit has drove her crazy after several years day after day after day of substance abuse. She's forgotten or maybe she thinks I've forgotten. I say, "Frita I gave you twenty dollar before I began getting high." She starts to dispute about the twenty dollars in question! Beginning to corner me as she yells at the top of her voice at the foot of the steps and I say with a exhale of disbelief & disappointment, I want to leave, please move out of my way! She places her hand on the banister as to gesture that I can't leave until I pay! A voice of empathy cries out from behind her in sympathy, It's Helen a older black woman, "Frita just let him go!" Unfortunately for herself and everyone in this room she's made a very bad decision. Because I'm not a punk nor am I afraid of anyone or anything!

Now I've gone inside desensitized to everything and something has come over me and I will do what I have to do to survive! I try to rush my way past her to the door as she cocks back throwing a wild right that I easily walk underneath of as I spin around behind pushing her face first into the corner! As it all happens I'm just reacting, totally in the moment! Some dark skin guy jumps up and takes a jab me with a pin Knife! Though it was all probably moving fast at that time to me I could see everything slowing down as he fumbled to get the 3' blade out of his pocket and opened! I should have struck him then in retrospect but I'm watching him just as intrigued to see what he's trying to do as he was trying to do it! As he makes this already seen lunge towards me everyone is screaming, "NO NO NO" as if this has all gone on too soon, too far and should be stopped! I guess by popular Crack House consensus this was all not worth some bloodshed! It's early too maybe like 5:30pm this could fuck up everyone day! Before they can all fret, I twist side ways letting this slow motion trust go right past my collar bone and chin! Then just like Mayweather on the return counter right hand punch from a shoulder role went straight down the middle of this dudes face like a 7/10 Split! He was out cold before he even hit the ground. Sprawled out hard against the hard wood floor. He made a hard thud as he hit the deck, while the pin knife makes a crackle drop sound like marbles being pored out on a counter top. I get a immediate adrenaline rush from the excitement that has all just replayed back through my mind and I realize I'm unscratched.

 As I look around into every ones face they are all horrified as if a sleeping monster has been awakened. I always told them I didn't take any shit and if any situation was to arise I'd be able to protect myself! Now as they see it with their own eyes they all sit in suspended horror as to who will be my next victim that I lay my hands on! So I give them what they want to see! I raise my hands above my head and start to threaten everyone! Jumping bad screaming at everyone doing the flinch game as I walk back and forth and then over to my pipe and Crack still sitting on the table exactly where I left it. I Load up my stem one more time with the whole other half of my twenty while everyone watches me in silence. Lisa tries to get up speaking to herself "This shit is crazy I got to go!" I reach out in her direction with my lighter hand extended and my my eyes cut evilly & peripherally in her direction as I say so coldly DON'T FUCKING MOVE!!!! An she didn't, while I struck my lighter hit my Crack taking me a nice good hit on top of all this adrenaline now being accelerated by cocaine smoke! It's almost too much to ingest at once, I drool while wiping my chin, stumbling side to side as Helen mumbles under her breathe, "this shit don't make no damn sense" I look around as I come up from my high! Everyone is still on pin & needles while I look around! It's time to go Frita's sitting over top of the floored guy with everyone else sharing a look of false imprisonment! Picking up a roll of toilette paper from the coffee table I wrap up my hot uncool-ed Crack Pipe and make my way through a tight isle of legs & edge of a coffee table, making my way out of the Dead Silent Crack house living room!!!!

"The Only Way To Fly"

I once met this girl out getting high over on Asquith st. & North ave., who would put as much Crack on her Pipe at one time as possible, well now as I think about it to be completely honest their was a prostitute that lived around my way, when I lived downtown, who would do the same thing I noticed first! She use to like me or at least she had her eyes on me, I could see the attraction as she would sexually look at me in and out of on my way to my house everyday! It was obvious too, she would spit her game right in front of my girlfriends who would come to visit me! To a person not from the street it probably sounded like some Crackhead that's high gibberish talking shit! As a man and someone who has a ear for the street! All the attention was saying, "I see your attraction and when ever your girl friend isn't around you can get it aka I will fuck you",even beyond all this prostitute shit, I will fuck you! I thought nothing of it at that time I wasn't operating inside that dynamic of life, so to my conscious mind it really wasn't anything! She was a small joke between my girlfriends and I as I passed by everyday on the way to my life! Little did I know like Santa, my subconscious mind was keeping a list of the game and the vice that was going on around me because soon after I took my first hit off the pipe! I already knew and had scoped out who was who and where all the best places to buy drugs were at in the Patterson Park Area!

 I don't know why but I always thought like this. I'd see things in a places operation methods. When I go into stores I see how it could operate more efficiently or how easy it would be to rob this place. My mind just works that way it always has! I don't consider myself criminal minded, I just see logistics, I think that whole criminal minded thing is just a stereotype for labeling a person who's God given talent hasn't been properly mentored and developed. An their gifts wound up being squandered on some worthless bullshit! So anyway after a little while of getting high on my own and getting lucky scoring by myself one day my luck ran out! I had been living on the straight and narrow for so long my street credibility had ran out! I wasn't known enough or street enough to buy drugs for myself anymore! My hood pass had be revoked, I had been away too long! Which to any sane healthy minded person trying to become a productive member of society should have been the last warning sign on the road to my own demise! The Bridge is out Ahead but that day and any day for along time afterwards, I just kept driving straight off of the end of the bridge! Still not ready to except failure and the universe's message of a closed door to me being able to buy drugs for myself, I went and found me a emissary a messenger of my destruction! Someone who's Crack Amex was excepted all around this hood! Who else but "Happy" the Crack head prostitute who has a crush on me!

 I pull up and I guess after a heavy volume day of tricking(prostitution) I was just another face to her! I thought she would notice who I was right away but as I pull up and started to try to get her in my car she wasn't making a connection and factor in a  all day Crack binge along side the whole day of prostituting, maybe she didn't recognize me! So I say, "Happy it's me!" the guy from the Park! It all lines up and she remembers,"Damn boy I didn't even recognize you!"  I think to myself no shit and would you get in my car before the police comes or someone from the neighborhood notices me! She has no shame, I guess I should have taken this into account from her behavior, since I first moved around there and her involvement with the neighborhood's open air prostitution ring. She's all loud and screaming "fuck these people I'm gonna sell my pussy and can't no one stop her!" I think to myself OK that's all good and all but for my sake would you just get the fuck in the car! Then it resonates with her, "Oh you still have a image in the community that you need to maintain!

" So she jumps in the car and says, "so you finally in the mood for some black pussy huh!" I'm blown away by how straight forward and brash she is about my personal life and we get all into me explaining my current preference in women! I try to explain that it was nothing personal against black women it just was the lane I was traveling and operating in at the time and though I could have went out of my way to meet black women I just didn't! Then I think to myself, who the fuck are you to judge my blackness as a black woman! You are the only black prostitute working a all white girl hoe stroll, so technically your doing the same thing I'm doing! She smiles and admits she never really thought of it that way! She says make a turn and park she knows a good place where we can park and be comfortable so she can take her time sucking my dick and make sure I enjoy myself! She explains that she is really good at doing what she does and she's been watching me and she'd always thought how much she'd enjoy herself if I ever took the time to see what she was all about! She says she would almost be in mind to do me for free! That's only in good sentiment because I know how it feels to desperately want that Crack so even in a moment of wishful thinking it's still all about the money! I quickly change the pace, I don't want to get my dick sucked or to fuck you! Her face turns to a look of confusion mixed with discontent, like well what the fuck is going on then? I tell her the whole deal, I want some Crack but no one will deal to me! She immediately get loud animated and judging again, I can't believe this!

 "Oh shit you get high, not you Mr. goody goody, go to work why are y'all hoes & junkies bringing down the neighborhood!" I'm immediately heated inside and a little frustrated! "Like God Damn I'm getting tired of your shit I just want to get high and can you help me for a profit or do you want to keep on treating me like your my fucking high school guidance counselor!" She tell me to be cool she can hook me up and she doesn't mean anything by it! It's just so surprising to her and that she never would have guessed that I got High Smoking Crack! Deep inside with the cloud of shame now stuffing up the atmosphere inside the car, I'm thinking to myself maybe I don't belong out here doing this shit. An if I wasn't so desperate, caught up in the trance of trying to do some Crack I would notice all the signs the Universe is sending me this evening,"You Don't Need To Be Out Here Trying To Smoke Crack!!!" She sees that she's about to blow the deal. I tell her that I want five twenties and that I give her twenty dollars for her trouble if she can get get the crack for me. She says shit that ain't even no problem with a sassy street type of tone and attitude! She's proud of her street prowess and she knows that her Hood Cred is good! She says it with confidence too, just so to let know me in case I didn't, who I'm in the company of!!!

 So we pull up on the block of Montford Ave. between Orleans st. and Jefferson st.! It doesn't even appear to be anything going on! Though as soon as we pull up and Happy roles down her window making her presence known, the whole strip comes to life! It went from dead to buzzing, these guys are good almost thespians you'd have no idea until it starts moving that they are hustling! One guy looks in the car and checks me out, he doesn't know me a is hesitant to serve us. Happy goes into this loud animated Crack Head routine a lot of hand gestures something straight off of a bad YouTube or World Star Hip Hop Montage of people behaving ghetto!!! These guys don't like all of this wild attention and don't want to turn down 100 dollars either so they give her the five twenties and we get the fuck from around there! I'm just almost as upset and angry as the dealers were like happy WTF is your problem? I want to get high as much as the next person but is it Worth us all going to jail over this? She goes on another rant about she's not afraid of jail and niggas like me a the dealers don't need to be in the game cause we ain't no real niggas! Again the Universe is speaking to me but I'm not listening, I want to inhale and ingest those sweet Crack Cocaine vapors, feeling my heart beat and endorphins course through my vein, instantaneously, becoming sexually excited, awakening all my senses all at once! So we drive over to Fairmount ave. and Washington st. parking between some cars in the diagonal head first parking spaces right by that little recreation center park!

 It's quiet and comfortable there! It's a one way street with a good view of everything around you! It's one of my favorite places to smoke Crack inside or outside! I always feel at peace and have a good time when I smoke there! I'm romanticizing drug use but it's a shame I don't live down there anymore! As I give Happy twenty dollars and twenty of Crack for herself, I start to slowly sprinkle a little of my twenty on the Crack pipe! Happy says loud in her arrogant Crack Rant fashion,"You can tell y'all newbie Crack smokers portioning on bag on the pipe, just put the whole thing on there! I only occasionally ran into others who smoke like this and I've come to like to smoke like this myself! When I do though, I even get crazy looks from some of the most seasoned Crack addicts like as to say"What in the fuck is wrong with this guy?" he really has a problem or I don't see how he does that shit like that! It seems as if it would blow your head off! Frita calls it "slamming" a term usually associated with pushing all of the heroin at once into your arm out of the syringe all at once! It doesn't quite encompass what I'm doing descriptively to me but it's close enough I suppose. An to all you Crack Smoking junkies who have seen this behavior before but have been scared to step off of this edge in that fashion, you should try it! If  your in active addiction and like your Crack! It's truly The Only Way To Fly!!!!                           

"The Storm Inside"

I had got off of work in Owings Mills I'd been clean long enough to get this job and get my mind and spirit in sink, So I thought anyway! Over the last three days a urge or a itch has began to grow, I'm not ready for the pressure, my expectations aren't working out and I'm becoming disappointed. They say expectations lead to disappointment and disappointment to relapse and here we go!  I had been waiting for this job, I had been unemployed from Nov. 2011 until Jan. 2012! Yes, I fucked up my last job right before Christmas, for myself, little bit of friends and family! I actually had a legitimate beef compounded with my drug abuse this time that led to me quitting my downtown job so close to Christmas! I could have and I should have stuck it out but in the moment I was put between a rock and a hard place. So I receive a e-mail in January to begin a new job in Owings Mills! It was all described and represented as good and one of the best companies in these days and times to be with in this world of food service! It probably is, when you factor in the extensive benefits package this restaurant conglomerate offers, but the work vs reward & energy you had to expend wasn't worth it to me at least! People say, "You just can't be quitting jobs back to back with no jobs lined up!" I say, "fuck U and mind your own business!" "Maybe if one of y'all Mutha Fuckas ever helped me to get a decent job instead of always kicking me while I'm down maybe I'd feel a personal obligation to hold on to a job longer!" I'm trying to figure out this recovery process and I thought I was ready for a job, having the emotional endurance to make it this time but apparently I didn't and it does hurt. So believe me some asshole who's suppose to be family restating the obvious does not help! It just compounds the pain, disappoint and self pity your already slow roasting your feeling and self esteem to!

So I got off of work and in the back of my mind I guess I was done with the place I was working at! The money wasn't right and the management was in denial about how things were working out. They were in position where they could afford to be, they had so many new hires we were all expendable and they were still hiring! They must could smell that we smelled, it was all bullshit! So this particular night I got slammed just triple sat and four sat all night long, as then soon as the dinner rush died, I was cut(sent home) immediately! Gotta keep that pay roll down, after the tip out I walked with sixty dollars! I was burning inside with a long subway ride downtown to stew on it!
 I take the subway downtown and this is where it always gets complicated. The familiar surrounding of downtown where you made many bad decisions so many different nights before! Your their again and it's like a crossroads,will this be another stint of abuse or another step closer in a direction of turning your life around! You think of how the $60 could be the beginning of your own personal rags to riches story or just three nice twenties on the Crack Pipe!

 Darkness casts a large shadow of doubt and surrender inside of you but theirs a little crack of light beginning to illuminate optimistic potential for you to resist temptation one night longer! So the anxiety and pressure to use Crack that was wrap around you like a Boa Constrictor loosens its grip for a moment! A little more time goes buy as you wait for your bus to come to go home! Working people, Junkies and Homeless surround you as you wait out front the Baltimore Arena! Take it one moment at a time, you may make it on this bus and get one more day of sobriety under your belt! Though not only are you not in the moment, but your on a corner inside your own head & mind watching your own personal IMAX theatre of your recent past, present and future failures with drug abuse! The nights before smoking Crack and your high tab of all the money you've blown night after night it has all compounded so fast! The movie being shown is a alternate present of where you could be if you could have just maintained the strength to hold yourself together so many times before! An everything you had or opportunity you've thrown away over the last months from making bad choices in moments just like this. Not knowing another opportunity that would bring it all together for you, was right around the corner!

Now I'm in front of the Baltimore Arena with $60 dollars and I can't live with myself! God even tries to reach out to me, in the form of a person I don't even know who strikes up a friendly conversation out of nowhere! I indulge in it for a little while, the small talk takes me away for a little while! We talk about how Wild Baltimore has become and how fun, nice and polite the people of Baltimore use to be! We use to be known as "Charm City", now violent children and adults are murdering and attacking its residents and visitors, they affectionately have retitled Baltimore as "Harm City"! It's beginning to stick too! We are so far from charming these days, Monique a Academy Award Winning Actress as well as a Baltimore City Native should bring her show "VH1's Charm School" back to her home town! As I began to feel a little better and begin to develop a positive outlook on the rest of my night and probable future! Just then my bus turns the corner left onto Baltimore St. and I cut my conversation with my angel short! "Nice talking to you I'm going to get on this bus!" Sad to say, this bus that turned the corner first gets me back to my neighborhood but passes a familiar Crack strip on the way. So I say my take cares and nice talking with you's, I'm getting on it! Like I said it gets me close to my house about a 5 block walk from where it lets me off! I could wait a little longer for the Bus that lets me off in front of my street, but I don't want to wait for my bus anymore! It's taking to long, I'm feeling good, I know I can have the will power to not get off of the bus at the Crack Strip! I'll be able  hold on to this $60 tonight and maybe even treat myself to some carryout when I make it home......